It's all over now, in baby blue.

I've had 3/4 of a giant bottle of red wine tonight. I did spill one glass though, so that one doesn't count, and our cream rug is feeling the pain of the red wine stain (not the first stain, mind you). Steve AND Sampson are asleep on the futon next to me, and Sampson is dreaming... clearly running from something because I am getting kicked in the hip. It amazes me that all I have to do to calm him down is scratch his chest and he is back to sleep instantly.

I have spent the majority of the night drinking wine, watching some seriously fucked up movie (Grindhouse: The Psycho Edition??), and talking to a really, really good friend from high school, Adam. I think I irked Steve sitting in the corner of the futon typing away, but this is a guy that I haven't seen for 2-3 years, is in the Army and was one of my favorite people from high school.

You know, in talking to Adam, I realized a few things. The most important is how much I have grown up. Although high school was a long time ago, I was no where near as confident then as I am now... And although I don't have Heidi Klum confidence, it's no where near as low as it was in high school. I never had a steady boyfriend, or a real boyfriend that I felt strongly for, period. Whether people believe it or not, that has a huge impact on your self-esteem in high school. I can't even count how many times I went out in high school, to a party, to a friend's house, and I would meet a guy that would talk to me, seem into me, and then... "You're just too tall."

I look back now and there were several of those moments that were heartbreaking. There was a guy that I took to prom my junior year named Joe. He was in the Army, blue eyes, unbelievably sweet. We had dated a few weeks before going to prom... He had come over to meet my family, we saw each other a couple nights a week. And we went to prom, which was probably one of the best nights I can remember in high school. He was wonderful. And then, the phone call.. "I'm sorry Kate, I just don't think this is going to work out for us." And I could never figure out why... Was I too young? (He was a couple years older than I was...) Was I too immature? Was I too tall? When I asked him, his respone was that I was too young, which may have been true, but since I was 6'2", and he was probably only 5'7"-5'8", I think it was the height... We were just too much on the same wavelength for it to be age.

Anthony was another one. I mean, he was a mistake, period. It doesn't help that in the course of us dating he: had a girlfriend, cheated on her with me, and didn't tell me; slept with one of my best friends (who is clearly no longer my best friend, OBVIOUSLY.); and talked shit on me.

Don't I pick the winners? The point in talking about these LOSERS is that I had a hard time believing in MYSELF. Because of some fucking jackass who treated me like shit. Then I met Steve.. who made me feel like I was the most amazing person in the world... Still does in fact. It's amazing how I will wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed, but Steve makes it worth it.

The point is that Adam has helped me realize a little bit more of this. You know, you can always look back and know that you have become a better person, a more mature person, a more accomplished person, whatever it is. But, it takes a true friend to point out how much you have truly changed. I only have a minimal amount of people that do this for me. Steve... Casey, Jordan, Kristie, Caryn... and now Adam. I honestly feel like only a true friend can look at you and say "Wow.. You look amazing. You're doing amazing. I am proud to be your friend."

I am proud to be me. Although, I can't say that every day... it means alot to me to be able to say it once a week. I am proud to have my family, and Steve. I am proud to have the amazing friends that I have. I may have had too many glasses of wine, but... atleast I know what it means to say that.