Off and running.

So my morning has been off to a good start. Clearly, I am sitting in front of the computer, but I am about to get up, change, and play my Wii for a little while. I already took all of my vitamins (Fish Oil, Flax Seed Oil, Vitamin C, Fiber, Weight Management Vitamin)... and have had a non-fat yogurt. I have also drank an entire bottle of water already.

I am telling you.. I am ready for this. I refuse to break down and lose this battle this time around. I am just too unhappy with the way I look and the only way to change it is by changing my lifestyle. And trust me, this is my degree, I KNOW THIS. I now just have to actually act on it.

I think I may go to lunch (lettuce! woo!) with Sallie, but I am going to walk Sampson by 3 pm, and walk for atleast 30 minutes... That's my goal for today. I know I will feel better. My freaking back has been killing me and it's because I'm a sloth, and sit around all day. Walking is going to help strengthen it. I mean, at this point ANYTHING is going to help.

Ok, I'm getting up to change. Wii time! :)

Summer is right around the corner.

So summer is only... not even 3 months away. And that means bathing suit season.

The thought of being in a bathing suit right now only depresses me more. I mean, I am having a fairly hard time with the unemployment.. and then I realize that I have gained 20 pounds since last summer, and I only get more depressed. I know that it is my fault. I stopped exercising, I started drinking more, I have eaten like shit. But I look at myself in the mirror and want to chop my love handles off with a butcher knife.

Ok, that's grotesque. And I would never. But, I really do not like what I see in the mirror, even if everyone else looks at me and thinks that I'm fine. I want to lose that 20 pounds and feel healthy again.

This means.. DIET and EXERCISE! WOO! I am going to WalMart tomorrow to pick up fruits, veggies and chicken breasts. I'm planning on baking banana bread, using whole wheat flour. I am going to get Special K products, because they are not only delicious, but filling. You know, they have that Special K Challenge, where you can send in all your barcode things and get prizes and free Special K products. I mean, a bowl of Red Berries and a banana is freaking delicious.

I have also enrolled in an online diet tracker. It calculates the calories, carbs, proteins, fats, etc. of everything you eat. I figured it would help because it would hold me to my plan. I have a hard time keeping to diets for a couple of reasons:

• Groceries are asininely expensive.
• Steve won't keep to them, and since I shop for both of us, it's hard not to eat what he eats.
• I get really tired of eating the same things everyday.
• I work in a restaurant... with really good food... that uses lots of oils and butters.
• We also serve delicious fresh baked bread there. I am a bread fiend.

I am going to start walking every day too. I mean, I have a dog. And he needs to be walked more. I know that. So instead of sitting on my ass on the computer, I am going to start taking 30-60 minute walks. I have the freaking time. I am also going to play my Wii again. I have stopped, mostly because it's hard to play with Steve in the room. He mocks me and makes fun of the things that the Wii has you do. But it works! And it's motivational. Last but not least, I am going to try to do yoga or take a pilates class. My joints have been really bothering me lately and I'm hoping that that will help. I know it will change my flexibility, for sure.

I want to stick to this. I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. My face is one thing, but my body is another. Clothes fit you differently.. I have jeans that should fit, but don't.. because I bought them 6 months ago. I want to change my lifestyle. I am miserable enough that I hope, really really hope, that I can stick to this. I want to change. I need to change. Most of all, I am READY to change.

Stick with me. It's going to be a long road.

It's been a little while. I guess my life is just not exciting enough. I worked Valentine's night... made some really good money. It's great though, because I need it. I want to go home in March (16th-ish?) and I need money to go out, to buy my older sister a 25th birthday present, and buy GAS to get home.

I had my first migraine since I went off my migraine medicine (in December) on Monday. It was terrible. I took Excedrin, Frova, drank umpteen gallons of water, slept 8 hours... Today is Wednesday and I still have the residual headache that lasts from migraines. It's making me feel like I need to go back on my medicine, but apparently my new health insurance won't pay for any medications I need until I spend my $500 medicine deductible. As of right now, that's 2 months of rent or 2-3 weeks of work down the drain. I can't afford that and it's stressing me out. Maybe that's why my head still hurts.

I have been watching a "Real Housewives" marathon... I watched the season finale of the OC housewives and the premiere of the NYC housewives. It's burning me up because there are these nasty looking women, and then these ridiculously skinny women. Apparently to be on Bravo, you have to be ugly or 88 pounds.

I have hooooours of volleyball tonight. I should be excited but due to the pounding headache I have been retaining for the last few days, I am dreading it. I have taken Excedrin, but I guess I need to move on to something more powerful.

Annnnd, I have nothing.

Bump-se... ok, just bump.

So after my slightly drunken entry last night, I've reread my post, and all I can think is that I am thankful that I didn't make an ass out of myself while writing it. There was no ooey-gooey sentimental love stories about Steve and I, which is too much, even for me. It was just... the truth. Atleast, I feel like it was.

Now, I am waiting, mentally preparing for my volleyball practice tonight. One night a week is not nearly enough to have an impact on these girls. There is so much that I would do if I could work with them for even 2 hours instead of one. Tonight I think that we need to work on movement. That's our problem. Most of my girls can serve over the net, and even if they can't they are close... and we don't yet pass-set-spike because the girls don't have control over the passes. So, the big thing is trying to make the girls understand reaction time and moving to the ball. It's easy to fall on the ground, but unless you hit the ball on the way, that's pointless.

I've realized in coaching the younger girls that a big part of their game is about reaction time, depth perception and footwork. I never played volleyball when I was 10-11-12, I started when I was 14 and clumsy as hell. I want the 10-12 year old girls to understand the footwork that took me years to learn. It's about seeing the ball, understanding where you need to go to get it, and moving quickly to act upon that understanding. I guess when you're 12 it's not as simple as that, huh?

I'm having incredibly nasty back pain today so I'm tentative about practice tonight. I usually try to be involved as much as possible during their practices, but it hurts to even sit on the couch. Waaah, I need some cheese with my whine. I think there is two reasons for the back pain... the first is that it is "that time" of the month and instead of getting cramps, I usually get back pain. The second is that I stand at work, and it puts a lot of pressure on my lumbar spine. I haven't found a pair of shoes that are supportive enough yet, although my Crocs are close. I need Dansko's or something, but for my big ass feet, they are hard to find. Let me know if you can find them. (Atleast a European size 42)

Well, I need to take the dog out, get on some sneakers and run to Payless Shoes. Sampson ate one of my black shoes... a hole straight through the toes. Thus, I need a new pair. And maybe anything else on sale. :)

It's all over now, in baby blue.

I've had 3/4 of a giant bottle of red wine tonight. I did spill one glass though, so that one doesn't count, and our cream rug is feeling the pain of the red wine stain (not the first stain, mind you). Steve AND Sampson are asleep on the futon next to me, and Sampson is dreaming... clearly running from something because I am getting kicked in the hip. It amazes me that all I have to do to calm him down is scratch his chest and he is back to sleep instantly.

I have spent the majority of the night drinking wine, watching some seriously fucked up movie (Grindhouse: The Psycho Edition??), and talking to a really, really good friend from high school, Adam. I think I irked Steve sitting in the corner of the futon typing away, but this is a guy that I haven't seen for 2-3 years, is in the Army and was one of my favorite people from high school.

You know, in talking to Adam, I realized a few things. The most important is how much I have grown up. Although high school was a long time ago, I was no where near as confident then as I am now... And although I don't have Heidi Klum confidence, it's no where near as low as it was in high school. I never had a steady boyfriend, or a real boyfriend that I felt strongly for, period. Whether people believe it or not, that has a huge impact on your self-esteem in high school. I can't even count how many times I went out in high school, to a party, to a friend's house, and I would meet a guy that would talk to me, seem into me, and then... "You're just too tall."

I look back now and there were several of those moments that were heartbreaking. There was a guy that I took to prom my junior year named Joe. He was in the Army, blue eyes, unbelievably sweet. We had dated a few weeks before going to prom... He had come over to meet my family, we saw each other a couple nights a week. And we went to prom, which was probably one of the best nights I can remember in high school. He was wonderful. And then, the phone call.. "I'm sorry Kate, I just don't think this is going to work out for us." And I could never figure out why... Was I too young? (He was a couple years older than I was...) Was I too immature? Was I too tall? When I asked him, his respone was that I was too young, which may have been true, but since I was 6'2", and he was probably only 5'7"-5'8", I think it was the height... We were just too much on the same wavelength for it to be age.

Anthony was another one. I mean, he was a mistake, period. It doesn't help that in the course of us dating he: had a girlfriend, cheated on her with me, and didn't tell me; slept with one of my best friends (who is clearly no longer my best friend, OBVIOUSLY.); and talked shit on me.

Don't I pick the winners? The point in talking about these LOSERS is that I had a hard time believing in MYSELF. Because of some fucking jackass who treated me like shit. Then I met Steve.. who made me feel like I was the most amazing person in the world... Still does in fact. It's amazing how I will wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed, but Steve makes it worth it.

The point is that Adam has helped me realize a little bit more of this. You know, you can always look back and know that you have become a better person, a more mature person, a more accomplished person, whatever it is. But, it takes a true friend to point out how much you have truly changed. I only have a minimal amount of people that do this for me. Steve... Casey, Jordan, Kristie, Caryn... and now Adam. I honestly feel like only a true friend can look at you and say "Wow.. You look amazing. You're doing amazing. I am proud to be your friend."

I am proud to be me. Although, I can't say that every day... it means alot to me to be able to say it once a week. I am proud to have my family, and Steve. I am proud to have the amazing friends that I have. I may have had too many glasses of wine, but... atleast I know what it means to say that.

Crock-Pot Queen

I made an amazing meal tonight. And I am not queen of cooking. In fact, I only cook when Steve twists my arm into feeling as though it's my responsibility. Sooo, this afternoon when Steve announced he would be home by 6:15 (normally it's close to 9), I decided to take it upon myself to cook. I had two options, tuna steaks or chicken (only thing I had thawed out of the freezer)... Steve doesn't particularly care for tuna steaks, so that narrowed the options down pretty quickly. No matter what, I had to go out and run errands, so I went online and found a slow-cooking Jambalaya recipe. Now, this meant I needed to go to the grocery store... and the grocery store meant that I would probably spend more money than I should. Buttttt, I couldn't resist. I assumed the recipe would feed us for a few days (I was right), and I had to prove I could cook, more to myself.

I go on my errands. I dropped 5 applications off at the post office to be mailed out to their respective Human Resources departments (very exciting!), and made a deposit at the bank for Steve. Then I hit Harris Teeter... I did end up spending a fortune (that I don't really have, but hey.), but I bought apples and blueberries for snacking, a big bottle of red wine, and dessert.

I made stewed, whiskey soaked peaches, plums and blueberries with angel food cake for dessert. Steve didn't like the fruit, but I do. It would be good on ice cream, or even oatmeal.

And the jambalaya... OOOOOOOOOOOOH, it was Good. With a capital G. It was spicy, to the point it made me sweat, and sooo flavorful between the chicken, andouille sausage and shrimp. I think the only thing I would do differently would be to use raw shrimp and let them cook in the pot, instead of throwing in frozen cooked shrimp at the very end. And it didn't take long to cook at all! Maybe 2.5 hours?

Jambalaya

• 1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cut into 1 inch cubes (mine were a little bigger, I figured they'd cook down)
• 1 pound Andouille sausage, sliced ( I used a 4 pack of sausages... I think 12 ounces or so)
• 1 pound frozen cooked shrimp without tails... (Like I said, I will use raw peeled shrimp next time and allow them to cook in the pot... The pre-cooked shrimp get kind of mushy after being in the pot for a little while.)
• 1 - 28 ounce can diced tomatoes with juice
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 1 large green bell pepper, chopped
• 1 cup chopped celery
• 1 cup chicken broth (I have kind of a small cooker, so I just filled it to the top with broth... I think next time I will probably leave it out completely. It made it sort of soupy.)
• 2 teaspoons dried oregano
• 2 teaspoons dried parsley
• 2 teaspoons Cajun seasoning (I used half and half of a blackening seasoning and Old Bay... I think that added to the spice)
• 1 teaspoon cayenne pepper (I used 2.. Steve loves spicy food)
• 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

In the slow cooker, mix the chicken, sausage, tomatoes with juice, onion, green bell peppe, celery and broth (If you need it). Season with spices.

Cover and cook 7-8 hours on low, or 3-4 hours on high (I used high.). Stir in the shrimp during the last 30 minutes of cooking. (I added the shrimp 10 minutes before we ate and they were fine... but as I said, I'll be using raw shrimp next time.)

Serve with your favorite starch (rice is best).

Steve and I have leftovers that will probably last us the next 2 days or so. This is a fabulous recipe, I commend the woman who made it. I got it from www.allrecipes.com and I have found some great meals there.

Make this meal... even if you just stew it on the stove for a few hours. It's DELICIOUS.

What I can't flex these golden pipes?

Very unproductive Saturday but I actually feel really great about that. I had volleyball games this morning (we lost) and now I am snuggling with my puppy (who has been ornery all weekend) while watching "The Wedding Date."

I'm watching it on one of the cable channels (TBS or something), so I am watching all of the terrible commercials out these days. My two favorite commercials are:
The Swiffer Sweeper "Baby Come Back!" commercials, where the mops send flowers, or candy and peek around the bush. "... You'll never go back to your old mop or broom again."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKZg_qLiIj8

The e*trade.com commercials with the baby in the highchair, particularly the new commercial with the 2 babies, and the one baby sings. "Take these broken wings... What? What? What I can't flex these golden pipes?" The first time I saw that commercial I almost peed myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yhfl4mFH1No

I was YouTubing and I also found this one... Pure hilarity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8Ev5HgGACg

Well, I don't have much more to say for myself today. I have wasted my life away. I am sending out several applications and resumes come Monday, though. I work tonight, thankfully because I need the moolah, and I close Valentine's Day (FAB! MONEY MONEY MONEY!).

Monnnney, it's what I want.

Irked.

It's actually fairly early for me to be writing. Nothing has happened yet today, though I seriously doubt anything worthwhile will. Tonight is Jazz Night at work, and I have to open, but unless we are really busy, they will cut me by 8pm. THIS is why I have no money. Uggggggggggh.

So everyone Facebooks, right? I have one, Steve has one... my mom and dad even have one. I know that the point of a FB is to keep in touch with people that you may not talk to otherwise... or people that you haven't seen in a long time. It's great to keep in touch with people for long ago. The thing that irks me about FB is that secrets can lurk behind the scenes. I could be talking to someone through messages or IM and you would never know it.

Well... fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. This morning, I found out that Steve was keeping secrets on FB. Not like, cheating secrets, but ones that he clearly thinks will be hurtful, because he didn't tell me. He has been messaging/IMing his ex-girlfriend. Now mind you, the ex is currently married and pregnant with her first child. So why is it bothering me, you ask? Well... she was "the one." She was the girlfriend that Steve was going to marry, until she cheated on him. There went that idea. He spent years recovering from that relationship. He dated one girl between the ex and myself, and the word "date" is used loosely.

Mind you, I am currently "the one." I am the one that he wants to marry and have babies with and never leave me. But hearing that doesn't make it any easier to know that there was a "one" before me. And that he still talks to her.

The first time this happened, the argument was that it would just be once. He just wanted to congratulate her on the pregnancy, etc... but it hasn't been just once. Apparently they type/write/whatever to one another regularly. Now, how is that supposed to make me feel? I mean, if her husband knew (you know, the man she cheated on Steve with), would he be happy for her? I seriously doubt it. And yet, I am not supposed to angry about this. But I am. And if roles were reversed and I was talking to someone that I used to date behind Steve's back, he would be angry as well. Probably angrier.

I don't even know how to deal with the situation. I am annoyed more than anything... annoyed that he felt the need to hide this. And really, I have better things to worry about than some woman who lives hundreds of miles away with a whole other family. Still no job, still stressed, and now annoyed.

I think I'm going to go Wii. It'll take my mind off of things. Hopefully.

"Hello Morning... Whatcha got for me today? My heart is breaking. Spread my wings and fly away."

Counter-productive

I think my brain cells actually died today. I have done absolutely nothing but watch TV. I didn't even take my dog out today, I made Steve do it.

Thankfully, I have volleyball practice tonight, and a going-away party to attend.

I coach 5-7 grade (11-13 year olds) girls volleyball. I love them and I love coaching. It's amazing how no matter how bad my day has been, I will go to practice and they make my day better. They have this... reverance for me. A respect that you can only get from people that look to you, that appreciate and take in everything you say. Although, I don't think all of them listen, I know they atleast respect me. And it's not just because I'm older than them... it's because I know what I am doing. I teach them what they need to know, and, most of the time, it works.

I think I need that feeling from a job. I actually got a call today from First Citizen's Bank about a part-time teller position. I haven't decided if I am going to call them back yet or not. I really need the job, and I should not be picky, but I want something worthwhile. I got an f*ing bachelor's degree for a reason. I know what the hell I am doing. And yet, my talents, skills, attributes... All worthless to the working world.

I guess I am just holding out for the phone call that says "We want YOU." Haha, Army style.

I was looking online today to see what kind of jobs were available in Delaware... A lot of them were similar to those available down here. I mean, I realize that this economy thing is a national epidemic, but it doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one. It's hard not to.

I had a huge scare this morning.. my Sprint bill was overdue, and I had put a payment on it yesterday. Mind you, my $500 rent check is coming out of my account this week, as well as the $30 of gas I had put in my car. Well, the payment system screwed up and charged me double what I wanted to put on the bill. I opened my Wachovia account this morning and instantly began crying. There wasn't enough money to cover all of it... and then I spent almost 2 hours on the phone with both Sprint and Wachovia trying to cancel the extra payment. I don't think I have ever been this destitute in my life.

I guess before I was always living off of my parents, and now... well, it's my responsibility. It's amazing how you never realize exactly how lucky you are until the roles have changed and you don't feel so lucky. I guess only time will tell if life will turn around. I pray it does.


"Nothing happens by chance, my friend... There's no such thing as luck. There's a meaning behind every little thing, and such, a meaning behind this. Part for you, part for me, we may not see it all real clear right now, but we will, before long."

Green Beans and Chicken Pastry

And so begins another empty day watching REALLY bad horror flicks on the movie channels. I actually have to work at 3:30, and I am writing this really quickly before getting up to do my make-up (It's already 2:30.. day flies by when you are doing nothing!). My theory is that Steve will most likely be on the cumputer all night long, and I won't be able to touch it, and/or to type in peace. And my day is not likely to get much more exciting than what it has already been. Although, Nip/Tuck is on tonight, and getting raunchier and more soap opera-esque by the episode.

My puppy, Sampson, was whining all morning long and I had a really hard time sleeping. I took him outside, I fed him... I could not figure out what his major malfunction was. He lost his first puppy tooth yesterday (Steve stepped on it barefoot... that was humorous), and I think it's probably his teeth. Do puppies teeth the way babies do?

Steve and I drove to the bank earlier... I am currently freaking out about our money situation. Our $500 rent is due, and our phone bill is PAST DUE. I just paid half of it, but when it's $300 some dollars, it's hard to put it all out there. By the end of this week, my bank account will be empty and I won't even have bought anything worth while... Like groceries! Thankfully, Steve and I have a fairly good stash of homemade frozen foods, i.e. chili, vegetable soup, meatballs, chicken pastry... As well as a fairly good dry goods collection, and some canned vegetables (green beans mainly... Steve's favorite).

It's literally killing me slowly that I can not have a fresh apple everyday. Well, any type of fruit really. It has just gotten so expensive to buy it once a week. I've been stashing up on natural applesauce. I theorize that it is similar enough, and nutritional, so it's like cheating the system. I also don't like not being able to buy yogurt. That's another thing that I live on. I need to go when there is a buy 5 for a $1 sale.

I applied for like 18 jobs last night through several websites. Needless to say, I have heard nothing back... Verrry promising. I also keep stalking the paper, Careerbuilder.com and Monster.com, but the jobs stay the same. And I have applied for several more than once.. Eventually someone from HR is going to call me and either tell me to drop it, or that I got an interview. Hey, I am slightly optimistic about this whole thing. If I'm not, I think I would go crazier than I already feel.

I would love to be on Xanax right now. I already have anxiety problems... I mean, I couldn't get through an exam without crying/screaming/yelling at someone. But then you add the stress of MONEY? Sometimes I am surprised Steve and I have survived all of this. He doesn't have money, and neither do I. Maybe that's why we survive... how can you belittle someone for not having money when you don't have any either?

I just don't know where my breaking point is going to be. How long will Steve go without finding a real job? How long can I go? When will I break down and call my mom to find me a job in Delaware? Because she has so many connections that she could, easily. At point am I going to say that I can't take this any longer? Living off of canned green beans and peanut butter. It's not exactly how I pictured things when I graduated in December.

Everyone has a breaking point. It's just a matter of time.

"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful lif is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever..."

Aaaaaand, I'm back.

So, I was going to stop blogging for the day, but now I am at home, alone of course, and I have nothing worth while to occupy my time. I have eating (which occurs all too often due to my boredom/depression), TV and Wii. I have already WiiFit-ed today for an hour or so, and just can't take it burning into my eyeballs any longer. My final option is to drink all the beer in my fridge, but since it's barely 4 pm, I think that may be jumping the gun. I figure I will catch up on my TiVo-ed movies... I recently recorded "The Other Boelyn Girl", "Walk Hard" and "Babel"... none of which I have seen. First, I have to watch "Big Love"... it's my big love.

I figure since I am new at this, I need to talk a little about myself. I am originally from Hockessin, Delaware... a little town between Newark and Wilmington. It was a good place to grow up, but I don't see myself ever going back to live there for good. I grew up near Amish Country, I can walk to the PA line from my parents' house and I love the breakfast meat scrapple.

I went to a public high school, AI duPont HS (the Tigers!). It was considered the private school of public schools, and the kids that went there proved the stereotype daily. The high school has this amazing marching band (more amazing because of the band director) and I was given the opportunity to travel extensively. I went to London twice, Ireland, the Rose Bowl in California... the band has also been to Arizona, Florida, and Italy. I was a twirler. I have since decided that band and volleyball were the best things to come out of going to AI.

I was (am, I suppose) a volleyball player. I began playing my freshman year of high school, played all year long, every year and was voted First-Team All-State my senior year. I worked really hard, and I feel like I really deserved the award. I am still proud of it. When I came to college, I began playing club volleyball, and after 2 semesters became President of the club. I was president for 3 semesters, before handing off and stepping down. It was worse than a sorority. I now volunteer coach for a local community rec league and I LOVE IT.

I recently graduated from East Carolina University with a BS in Exercise Physiology... Hence the unemployment, and the worthless degree. For the most part, I love North Carolina. I miss my family though... My dad (whom I just began getting along with), my amazing mother (who is my best friend in the world), and my two sisters... Elise, 24 (almost 25 and in med school at Jefferson), and Rachel, 17 (and just getting her license... SCARY!)

The best thing that has come out of going to ECU, besides the people that I have met, is the chance to learn how to scuba-dive. I have had the most amazing times underwater... Touching sharks, spearfishing, collecting shells and sharks teeth that no else can get. It's one thing to be at the ocean, and it's a total other thing to be 100 feet below the surface, where all you can hear is yourself breathing.

I have spent thousands on gear and trips. While I have not been diving in some time, my favorite place in the world is still under water. I have seen sharks, sea turtles, octopus, hundreds of different types of fish and schools of thousands of fish swimming by. While I have never been anywhere more exotic than the Florida Keys, the NC "Graveyard of the Atlantic" has been perfect for me.

I have developed an obsession with sharks, marine life and the silence of being underwater. But besides a reverence for the ocean, I have met amazing people... Some of my best friends down here.

I think the ocean is what I would miss most if I moved away. I could never live in the mountains, it's claustrophobic. I want water for as far as I can see.

"The ocean moans over dead men's bones."

First blog entry... 2 months unemployed.

I was talked into starting this blog by my best friend/ex-roommate in North Carolina. At first, I was skeptical... Dubious, to say the least. After thinking about it for a while, and feeling stressed and anxious about having no one to talk to, no one I felt that understood, I decided that, maybe, just maybe it was a good idea.

I have now been unemployed for almost 2 months. I graduated December 13, 2008. With a degree that no one can use. I almost HAVE to go back to graduate school, and yet, I am nowhere near ready to make that leap. At this point, I might have to though.

Of course, I wait tables. I am a server at the classiest restaurant in Greenville NC. It took me a long time to even get THAT job, and I still believe I got it out of sheer luck. Thankfully, I love my bosses and everyone that I work with. To some level, they keep me sane, because several of them are unemployed as well. We commiserate when we get to work. It's nice to have company in my pity party.

Obviously, the term "unemployed" is being used loosely. I technically have a job. I make money during the week. I can even pay my bills on time when budgeted correctly. But I sit at home all day long with my puppy and mope. I don't have anything to do from 8am-5pm besides stew in my own misery. I apply for jobs, scan the employment websites and scour the newspapers for opportunity. The problem is that I live in a small town, with limited opportunity and lots of college kids, current and alumnus.

And right now, I refuse to move home. What good will that do me? I will be leaving the life that I have made here, including several amazing friends... and my boyfriend of 3 and some odd years. I guess if worse comes to worse I will make the leap, but I am holding out at this point for my big break. I still believe it will come, and I guess if it doesn't I need to suck it up and apply for grad school. Not my idea of a fun summer considering I need 5 classes, and my GREs all before August 1, 2009. See why I am hesitating to apply? I would rather apply this fall and take my classes over the course of the next year. Buuuuut, with no steady income, that "I-am-not-going-until-next-year" decision is hard to stick with.

In the course of my unemployment, I have spent more money than I have made. I traveled home, which by the way is in Newark, Delaware, for a week and half over Christmas... Spending money on presents, food and drinks out with friends. I then traveled to Las Vegas NV, spending WAY more money than I make in a month. I am also a TERRIBLE compulsive shopper. It takes a LOT for me to restrain myself when given the opportunity to buy that gorgeous dress (on sale at Target! Why not?), or a cute pair of shoes (But they are buy one, get one 1/2 off... It's a good deal, right?). I am even worse when I go to the grocery story, buying items that I don't even eat! As money dwindles, I get better at not buying things that I don't need... but that doesn't mean I don't want to, or that I haven't thought about it. I just keep telling myself that rent is due, or my Best Buy payment is about to be processed. So far it has helped, but if I get a real job... my first investment is going to be something REALLY expensive.

I think that's enough for today. I could write my life story, but then what will I talk about tomorrow?

"Well relationships change,
Oh I think it's kinda strange,
How money makes a man grow.
Some people they claim,
If you get enough fame,
You live over the rainbow.
Over the rainbow..."